Life Events Writing Services
Let us prep you for life’s big moments. Script your success.
The kiddies. Our most precious resource.
The Write Babysitter
Our most precious resource is our children. Their safety comes first. That’s why I write your nanny/baby-sitter/au pair ads. I understand that you need to hire an individual who’s going to do as good a job or better than you in caring for and protecting your children. As an editorial professional, I know how to screen for the perfect caregiver. I’ll keep the creeps away. Don’t risk your children’s safety! I vet au pairs, nanny’s and all caregivers by using proven editorial screening tools in my adverts. First, I reach out to our exclusive caregiver network executives. Then with the help of our friends in law enforcement, we run extensive background checks on your candidates.
Strictly for the Gents
It’s all in the phrasing, my boys, it’s all in the tone. Take it easy, take it slow. Steady wins the race. Be cool, calm and collected. Women respect this. ‘Cause if you’ve noticed, it’s the guys who listen to women, who actually care about what they feel and say, and who respond to these sentiments with the fewest but most thoughtful words who get the birds in all the movies. Rhett Butler, Clark Kent, Russell Crowe as Gladiator, Zed in Killing Zoe. These gentlemen are pithy. Polite and attentive. Alertly, they choose their lingual battles, carefully pick their words. They don’t babble, they don’t brag. They empathize rather than judge or attack. There’s music, meaning, and mirth in their words. A clarity, a sanity, a consistency, a cheer. Precision and closure, things typically male.
So. You’ve finally found a job. Congrats! Now you can afford a girlfriend. Which brings us to…
Dating Profiles: Where authenticity and humor mean the most.
Because males are perpetual infants, forever seeking mommies to make us into men.
The Write Girl
Not to beat the dead horse of a metaphor, but do you know what’s attractive, mates? Eloquence. Ever hear of Cyrano De Bergerac? Look it up, please. If you haven’t figured it out yet, women are won with words.
Please, trust me. Words mean the world. So let me do the work.
Because you’re not fooling anyone with a bullshit profile. Women have intuition, brother. A sixth sense. They’re not like us, insentient men. They can smell phonies a mile away. Our words don’t lie. Women see through the bluff. You can’t fake this shite. We leave our stamp on everything. So why not let me channel your inner self. I’ll put your best foot forward. I’ll put The Write Words in your mouth.
For the Birds…
The Write Guy:
Let’s face it, ladies, men don’t like it when gals are aggressive. According to mating rituals, dating dances and all those absurdly archaic macho double-standards, women, (at first), are still supposed to be aloof. A challenge. As if you don’t enjoy sex. As if you’re bored with us men. As if you don’t really care.
With all that in mind, I’ll say all the right things for you, but I’ll do it with stealth. Coyly and elusively. Because, sorry to say girls, men are attracted to dissimulation. To the chase. It’s built into our DNA. We also like a girl who stands up for herself. It’s a sad fact, but this is what getting the man of your dreams often requires. Talking sense into men, as if you’re their mommy. Men are infants. We like war. Boys play with toy soldiers. Little lads have always been in love with game, hunt and sport. We want what we can’t have. Yet with the help of female writer friends who’ve spent their lives trying to understand us brutes, I now know exactly what to say to lure the beasts into your lairs.
The Write Pre-Nup…
Dating Contracts: An Exclusive Nick Fowler Innovation:
When you really analyze it, every relationship is a contract. Love is a compromise. A trade off. So why not put it all in writing? Don’t get used and abused. Enjoy the relationship you deserve by laying down the rules beforehand. Avoid stressful arguments and lawsuits by putting it all in ink. Don’t be a fool for love again. Protect your heart by protecting your rights. Get consent in writing!
Don’t burn your bridges, darlings. Let’s face it, while being kind to others is the golden rule, you also have to look out for your own ass. Why needlessly alienate valuable contacts who might be able to help you in the future? Nobody wants an enemy. Why not monetize your pain? I’ll ensure that you stay on good terms. It’s all in the phrasing.
Plus, if you join this month, I’ll throw in my free Millennials Package!
Let’s face it, millennials need personal brand managers. That’s why I offer complete Social Media Management. Just email me your credentials over my 100% secure site and I personally guarantee that by following my instructions and letting me write your life, you can avoid bullying. Build your own reputation! Don’t let your enemies destroy your contentment again.
Say you’re a freshman and you want to reinvent yourself in your new surroundings. Or you’ve transferred to a new school and you need some conversation starters for the bus ride. I can script all this. I also offer weekly Tweet and snapchat packages. I’ll curate your Facebook and Instagram profiles. Do you agonize over your posts? Fear you’ll be mocked for the rest of your life online and at school? Why not utilize my decades of professional writing experience to create a fool-proof online identity that will have you turning enemies into best friends in no time. If someone cares enough to bully you, they secretly want to be your friend. That’s human nature. With my money back guarantee, I promise you’ll be the most popular kid in your class and date the mate of your choice within one full school year, or your full money back!
Yes. Really. It’s that simple; it’s all in the words.
Are you sick and tired of feeling frustrated and angry? Do you more and more empathize with those who commit crimes of road rage? Don’t sweat it, blokes. I’ll prevent you from getting to that point. I understand the essence of verbal expression. It’s life or death. That’s why I offer my innovative Venti Service, which includes the option of a Suicide Prevention Counselor. I’m here to support you. So vent! Scientific research proves that venting releases endorphins in the brain. It’s healthy to get it off your chest. We need to share our burdens. Either by phone, skype, email or LiveChat, I know the questions to get you rolling. How to make you see the glass half-full again. I’ll talk you down from that ledge! 100 percent confidential and secure. Get the hope back in your life. Unload on us. We’re here to help. Choose from either our Life-Time Life-Coach or Suicide Prevention Packages, payable by a yearly fee or a la carte.